I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
