someone threw a dead crab at me
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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