he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Can you repeat that, but with context?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
