I can feel you judging me through the phone.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
