i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
