we have pet lesbian snakes
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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