well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
