im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
