I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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