how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
