Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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