remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize