Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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