I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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