for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
