After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
