I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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