Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
