So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
