please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
