I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
