Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
