I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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