i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize