drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
40s are totally the cure
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
