Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
