so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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