I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
