just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
