i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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