His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Everything about him screamed your future.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I can't put those talents on a resume
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
