The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
