R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
