Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the day after is always just damage control
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
