So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
