I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
