I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
