he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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