Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
