why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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