u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Farmville is her only friend.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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