We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
