so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
