Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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