sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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