ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
