I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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