Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
