I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
