i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize