is your mom at the bar?
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize