Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
