The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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