my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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