and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
