the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
