Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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