i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
