I got chris browned last night
i wish my penis had a tongue
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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