Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My dad just said "fuck circus"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
