you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
