and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
