It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
this just has baby written all over it
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
